From the Files of...You Can't Make This Up

It was a quiet, sunny, sorta warm Monday afternoon. I had a nice fire in the wood stove, I was comfortable, sitting in the big chair, and dozing off. Dogs were on the floor sleeping peacefully as well.

Morning chores were done, laundry was done, took Misher for a run in the woods. Got some housework and dishes cleaned up. Dinner was sitting on the counter thawing waiting for the time to cook it.

In other words, a normal, quiet, winter day.

The driveway alarm goes off and of course, as per their job description, the dogs blow up ready to do doggie battle with whatever foe is out there trying to eat us.

I told the dogs to hush, as it was most likely one of the cats out hunting for an afternoon snack.

Now 98% of the time, it’s the cats. 1% is UPS and the other 1% is real people coming to visit.

I get to the front door and look out; I don’t see a cat anywhere. Now to be fair, my cats are grey, and they blend in exactly with the gravel on the driveway. I’m looking…looking…. looking, no cat to be seen. I was about to turn away, thinking maybe a bird flew thru the motion sensor, when a white car blows into my driveway at about 30 mph.

WTF???

I dont recognize the car. I’m not expecting company. And its not one of my son’s friends cars.

Said car blows up my driveway past my house, so I walked to the back door and discovered what set off the alarm the first time.

Another car, out in the middle of my side yard, almost in the swampy area, buried almost up to the frame in the snow.

Dumbassery

My mind is humming along and I’m fully expecting to see a police car who was chasing both of these two, to blow in behind them. Sadly, no such luck.

A dude gets out of car #2 and starts wandering around, kind of making his slooshing way down to car #1. Woman in car #1 is out, looking at her car, and waving to the dude.

Something here stinks badly, this is not your normal “oops I made a mistake” kind of thing and the little hairs on my neck are standing up, and the voice in my head is saying wrong wrong wrong.

I slip on my boots, and grab my rifle, part the sea of dogs and slip out the door. I’m watching, cradling the rifle, not pointing it at them, but it’s obvious I have it.

I yell at dude “What the F are you doing in my yard?”

Dude spins around, seeing me for the first time and starts uh uh uh-ing me. Car #1 woman is yelling, “I’m sorry I’m sorry, I thought this was a county road and I just followed the tracks.”

Scuse me? My driveway looks like a road? Did the house sitting right there not give it away? Did my camper or truck not clue you in? Are you really that braindead?

Another woman gets out of car #2 and walks down to see if she can help get the first car out. Both women are trying to push it, and dude is wandering around watching me. He did finally do the gentlemanly thing and go help the women.

Dude walks back up and asks me for a rope. I said nope, call a tow truck.

I step back inside, get my phone and call PD dispatch. Gave them the low down and the one plate number I can see. I’m watching out my bathroom window (don’t ask, better cell reception there) A third woman gets out of car #2, walks down, pushes the car once, and walked back to the other car and got back in.

Now that I’m done with the PD, I go back out. They are now moving things from car #1 to car #2, including a baby in a carrier. OMG.

I yell to dude, you might just want to sit down and wait, the police would like to have a chat with you.

Boy did that light a fire under their collective asses. They could not get out of there fast enough now.

Except now they got car #2 stuck in the sloppy snow mud mix on the edge of my driveway. Three are out, arguing over who is the lightest so they can drive while the others push. The did get it spun around, almost taking the raised beds of my garden with them.

Here’s where it really gets spicy.

Car is on the driveway, slow rolling to leave, and dude is hanging out the back door.

Seriously, one leg in the car, one arm on top of the door, other arm on the roof, hopping on one foot, and cursing me out, saying I’m not kind to a stranger in need, I’m mean for not giving them a rope, and calling me everything except a white girl.

I won’t post my answer to him, but it was pretty epic if I do say so myself.

He finally gets in the car, taking away my hope he might fall out and get run over. Ya know, karma and all that.

I got back on the phone with PD dispatch, gave them the update and direction of travel, and got down to the other car to get their plate. While I’m still on the phone, the first officer pulls in. We chat, I give him the low down, and we are waiting for the second officer to arrive. This is two different jurisdictions, and first cop was the backup, cus second cop had the jurisdiction.

First cop enlightens me on the various and sundry activities of the individuals who I had the displeasure of dealing with on what was a quiet afternoon.

Driver of car #1 was stopped an hour away from here a week prior and found to have a missing/endangered person in her vehicle. She was also involved on the night before in a domestic situation, which the local constabulary had to deal with literally all night.

All three in car #2 are known drug users/sellers and they have been keeping an eye on that car for several weeks. The officer was of the opinion that this whole series of events was predicated on a drug deal gone bad prior to them landing in my driveway and they were running from someone. Meth is a problem in this area, and we have many tweekers.

Second officer arrives, and we ask if he saw the getaway vehicle and he stated no. They believe it turn off into the town just south of me, thus being missed by the officer.

He is also aware of the cast of characters involved and felt drug deal gone bad also.

All necessary info was exchanged, and a strategy for the evening was put in place. I say this because all three of us felt that the perps aka the dumbass’s would be back under the cover of dark to try and get the car.

Basically, I put my place on lockdown. Gate is locked, and has a game camera watching it, and I put a game camera on the car. This way if they trespass again, we have photo proof, and if they cut my gate chain, we have that as destruction of property.

Needless to say, I did not sleep much last night. I know the driveway alarm and subsequent dog battle cry would wake me up. But the semi heightened state of alert was what kept me up.

I did get a call from another deputy on Monday evening. The wild bunch wanted to come out that night and get the car. Deputy said no. They asked for 8am the next morning, Tuesday. I said no, I had to be at work and told them in the afternoon or the next day as I would be home then. PD was going to send the deputy to do a standby also for this exercise in futility.

Arrangements were made today for them to arrive after I got home.

I was on time. Deputy was on time. Morons were late. Big surprise huh?

Not only were they late, but only two showed up. In a beat to hell car. With no tools. No tow rope. No sand. No brains.

Best of all, NO KEYS!

Seriously?

Well, they thought the keys were in the car. Uh, no. Driver apparently took them out and with her. Want to guess where the driver currently is?

In jail, on an outstanding warrant from the neighboring county. I hope they took her baby and put him/her in a safe home where he/she is not subjected to her stupidity.

Should we lay odds on where the keys are currently residing?

100 to 1 they are in a box at the jail with the rest of her personal possessions she is not allowed to have in jail when they booked her in.

They now think they can mysteriously find them and come back tomorrow to get the car once again. I think they also believe they can mysteriously make the car get unstuck. I hate to tell them there is a storm coming with more snow overnight and into tomorrow. Maybe they can levitate it??

I will say that the chicka who was here with some scrawny dude in the beatermobile, sans shovels, rakes and implements of destruction, did apologize to me for all of this, and specifically mentioned rude dude in her apology. I just nodded. They left.

Not sorry, just sorry they got caught.

So, the saga continues!

Day 3, Wednesday, no call from the PD, they have not come back for the car, and now it’s snowing!!!

I wonder if they have just decided to leave it and let the county tow it this weekend. They did remove a bunch of stuff from it yesterday when they had no keys for it.

Stay tuned for As The Drug Dealer/User Turns!