Feeling Torn
It’s been a week. A week of feeling horribly overwhelmed with what I need to get done. There is just too much, and I never seem to have enough time or physical stamina to do it all.
Big trees need to be cut and the big chain saw is not working correctly. The local repair guy closed shop, and I have to find another now.
Small trees need to be cut and used against the fence since the sheep are now visiting the neighbor again.
Fleeces for customers need to be done with skirting and write ups on them created so I can generate some income.
House needs to be cleaned up. Mish blew his coat all over my kitchen.
Fence needs a new T-post put in and pulled up so the sheep stop jumping it. That is a 2 person job so I have to wait for Saturday.
Barn needs to be cleaned out. Ugh.
Thats just a few of the big things pressing down on me.
When I work on one project, I feel like I should be working on a different one. I actually feel guilty for cutting small trees instead of working on fleeces. I try to split the day with the projects, trees in the morning, fleece in the middle of the day, house at the end.
Or Monday is trees, Wednesday is fleece, Thursday is house.
It doesn’t seem to help with the guilt and feeling torn between it all.
Then I think of other things I need to add to the list and feel like I’ll never get one project done before I have to go work on another. Nothing ever feels like it’s completed. And the rash of stuff that has decided to break all at the same time.
Which way do I go? How do I accomplish all of this? How the heck did I end up here?
Honestly, my brain feels like a squirrel on cocaine.
And to top it off, the chaos dreams are back.
The best one of this week has been the hundred’s and hundred’s of mice that came billowing up out of my kitchen sink drains as I try to beat them back with a tennis racquet. I don’t even own a tennis racquet! And me screaming for help to an empty house. Isn’t that a doozie?
All I really want to do is sink into sleep and say to hell with all of it. Something I can’t seem to manage to do at all.
I know it’s all tied together in my head. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with. I just have to ride it out again.
Guilt is a friggen sucker punch to me. I feel guilty for not being enough. I feel guilty for grieving so long when others think I should be “done”. I feel guilty for not getting everything done that needs to be done. I feel guilty for the 112 year old house falling apart and letting Rob down for not having the resources to take better care of it. I feel guilty for letting my customers down. I feel guilty for letting my sheep down.
And the reality is that I truly have nothing to feel guilty for. I am doing the best I can with a life that sure did not go the way it was supposed to.
Blessed Be.
“When I work on one project, I feel like I should be working on a different one.” That is the worst feeling and I’m very familiar. I used to feel that way all the time. My thoughts are with you!
PS it’s a little on the hilarious side how obvious your dream is. :)
*hug*
Spring is overwhelming like that. I haven’t even looked at the fleeces shorn two weeks ago, I have multiple fence repairs that have to be made before I can turn the horses out back (and save money on buying hay), not even remotely set up for lambs in two weeks, need to get coats repaired and back on the sheep, behind the 8 ball on gardening again this year, dye cooperative stuff needing done NOW…and….eff the house, in its entirety….ugh.
It’s like I’m so grateful that the weather warmed up so I can Do Stuff, but the overwhelming pile of Stuff to be Done is growing at an exponential rate and the rising anxiety is killing me.
Started drinking a cup of skullcap tea at night and that’s helped a lot with the chaos dreams at least and lessened the anxiety during the day. Maybe that would help you? Happy to post the recipe my herbalist friend gave me.